In going on six years of counseling full-time, I frequently get this statement from couples who have come to an impasse in their relationship, “when things are good, they are really good, but when things are bad, they are really bad.” Because of this dynamic, the couple is torn about future direction for their relationship. They are weighing if the good that happens in their relationship is enough to outweigh the bad.
While it is normal to experience highs and lows in any relationship whether it is a friendship, familiar or romantic the spectrum of just how high and low the experiences feel and how often determine if there is further work to done by the people in the relationship.
Over the years, there have been several couples who really put in the work of coming to therapy where part of the process is examining their own history with relationships that have formed who they are presently. For one of those individuals, it was impossible to look inside as all they saw was the bad in their life which was contributing to the present relationship.
Talking with this couple further, both people in this relationship knew about the negative history the other was raised in. Their reasoning going into the relationship was that they would create so many positive experiences with each other that it would outweigh the bad. However, the bad that had been dismissed manifested in their relationship.
What was happening boiled down to one not fully trusting the other because of the years of abuse and manipulation they had grown up with. Because of this one would ask about their partner’s day and would ask the same question over and over because they did not believe their partner’s answer when they were telling the truth… hence why they came in for counseling.
With tears in their eyes, one would say this was the impasse they were in because the partner did not believe anything said when there was no reason for being untruthful. The other would go on to talk about the extravagant vacations they took with each other and no matter how great the memories they built up with each other, things always came back to one not fully trusting the other.
The good and the bad or the highs and lows of a relationship are inevitable but cannot happen in a vacuum without individual or shared issues being addressed. Part of a successful relationship is feeling the safety to be who they are, both the good and the bad with the other.
If one person absolutely refuses to accept responsibility of being vulnerable and transparent, which takes immense trust, the relationship will not work. If the relationship does continue without one taking responsibility for their part, this will lead to deep resentment and disconnection.
I do not know what happened to this couple as I only met them one time. One of them was in tears as the other would ask the same question over and over as one thought the other was being dishonest when they were not.
My guess is this couple broke up bases on the trajectory they were headed toward. The one who was believing their partner was the one who had a history so rooted in lies and manipulation.
Even if one there is just one issue no matter what size that is bringing down a relationship that is not being addressed, it will show up at some point whether a couple is dating where it is better to address the issue versus an unaddressed issue where a couple have been married for a number of years.
A true relationship exists with both the good and the bad. The relationship succeeds when the bad part is being addressed by one of both in the relationship.
If you are looking for a therapist near you then a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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