Self-Pity or throwing a “Pity Party” may feel good in the moment but if this becomes a habit can be very toxic down the road. The danger of self-pity is real as the process is slow and subtle. When this thought process is repeated over and over, it is emotional and physical strength drained.
When a person is constantly feeling sorry for themselves, they are building muscle memory or rather emotional muscle memory that becomes harder and harder to stop. The danger comes in that drain of strength. The mental energy that is used to feel sorry for yourself is strength that can be spent to move yourself down the road to recovery.
On the flip side, someone who is constantly feeling sorry for themselves can become toxic. What is worse is the toxic behavior can be a deterrent to emotionally healthy people but attracts other people who are toxic. That pity party becomes real, guests and participants alike.
A person who wallows in self-pity does have a real and valid reason for reacting this way. Perhaps this person just got some hard news about a medica diagnosis. Perhaps it is someone who was going to get married only for the engagement to be broken off. The reason is valid. The person decided to not lean into their issue and face it, but to let that situation definie them.
I am not saying at all that a person should not take the time and grieve a circumstance in their life and is hard. In that grieving seek professional help, get the advice from friends and family. After this period, this person has the choice to continue with the harder choice of continuing to do the hard work of processing and moving past their hardship or take the easier but unhealthy way of self-pity. In life hard times are inevitable. Choosing to take on the hard times is what builds character. Character building is never the easy option, but it is worth it.
The difference between self-pit and grief is that grief has a conclusion. The conclusion may be readying yourself to fight cancer, go through with the medical procedure or realizing you have decided to not let something that was harmful in the past to happen in the same way. Whereas self-pity is a bottomless pit where there is no positive momentum toward getting emotionally healthier.
I can sit here and type this blog because I have faced my own share many times of hard times. Many of those times had to do with medical issues. There was a period of ten years where I was told I had come sort of cancer.
One instance was in the summer of 1999, and I had specialty doctor I saw at Duke University. One of his suggestions was to go through this process that would theoretically reboot my immune system. The process would have been unpleasant involving chemotherapy and radiation.
Plus. that summer had not been a great one a previous diagnosis came back resulting in having to go back onto high dose corticoid steroids. Going into the Fall I felt so empty because I was feeling bad for myself. I realized if I kept this behavior up it would lead to despair.
The good news was that there was no cancer, and my immune system did not have to be rebooted. Even though I was not thrilled about taking steroids again, going into that period realizing where self-pity would take me made a large difference with my outlook.
Choosing to feel sorry for yourself may feel harmless thinking it will not last and will only be this once. When life deals out obstacles, which is often, choosing the positive always comes with some work whereas self-pity comes for free. Choosing the positive and doing the work over and over always pays out more benefits in the long run.
Do you have something going on in your life where you find it tempting to wallow in self-pity?
If you are looking for a therapist near you then a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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