This month marks six months since my dad passed away. Processing the grief has been different than I thought. Since I am an only child, the passing of my dad marked both of my parents going as my mom passed away in 2018. I have realized I am in a sense morning my earlier years. What I have found that gives me some kind of semblance of framework is structure in my life whether it is an upcoming event and/or routines on my own that I can go to.
The importance of having daily routines in processing grief is significant as it provides a framework and support system for those processing through the complex and often overwhelming emotions that come with loss. Here are several reasons why structure plays a crucial role in the grieving process:
Structure, like a daily routine can offer a sense of stability during times when everything may feel chaotic and uncertain. Having a plan or schedule can provide a comforting anchor amid the turbulence of grief. One example in my life has been keeping a regular exercise routine. I make it a point to get to the gym three times a week. For off days at the gym, I have an elliptical machine that is easy to fit into a day.
Grief can bring forth a wide range of emotions, such as depression, anger, guilt, and confusion. Having some sense of structure, a person can more readily recognize and address these emotions, helping to normalize their experience.
Structured activities, such as support groups, therapy sessions, or religious ceremonies, can create a supportive environment where individuals can connect with others who understand their pain and offer empathy and guidance. Although I moved twelve miles away, what has given me a sense of normalcy is joining a church near where I live. Fortunately, this church is the same church I attended before, just a different location.
One of many things, I do not do well is to ask for help. In January I started therapy for myself. The therapist was a great fit; except this person resigned for financial reasons. Since therapy was such a benefit to me, I started seeing a different counselor. Instead of weekly sessions, I am going to have sessions once a month. This gives me more room for me to normalize the grief on my own then checking in with the counselor. Having feedback during the grieving process has been a large benefit.
Following a structured approach to grieving, such as through therapy or support programs, can help individuals move through the various stages of grief at a manageable pace. This can prevent individuals from becoming stuck in one phase or from feeling overwhelmed by the intensity of their emotions.
Grieving is cyclical. I thought something was off with me when I experienced the same stages of grief such as depression and anger. I experienced these emotions weeks apart. My expectation was that once I processed the depression leading into acceptance, that would be it. My expectations were wrong!
Six months in I felt I was progressing toward acceptance as I had some sort of framework of making plans for my business and personally several months out. Out of nowhere, it seems, something will trigger a memory that will usher in depression for a brief period. Turns out, this is normal. This is the minds way of processing grief in fragments. When I do find myself processing sadness or depression, it is in slightly smaller increments.
Grief is annoying in that it is such a drawn-out process over the years of a person’s lifetime. My dad lost his mother when he was in his twenties. I asked him if he still missed her as he was in his late seventies, his response, “every day.”
The purpose of grief is not to get over the person like the loss is going to go away, but to better manage the magnitude of the loss. A good place to start is to care for yourself. Make sure you are getting quality sleep, exercise a few times a week and to have friends and family to process with.
Grief is agonizing slow as the process cannot be rushed. As antithetical as it sounds, embrace the unpleasantness of every stage as awkward as it may be.
If you are looking for a therapist near you then a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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