Whether the word is “happiness, “contentment,” “feeling better” or even being in a “good mood” does not just happen. I have written about the grieving process of my father dying in the past eight months. I am finally in a good space where I am not dreading the day and always having to have every minute of my day planned. You could say that I am now content. That contentment did not just happen.
Anything of worth, even if it just aiming to feel better takes work. That work is planning, making decisions, and then executing the plan. The first three months after my dad had passed away, I was in survival mode; doing anything I could just to keep momentum going to keep from feeling the sadness of grief. Even though I was only able to shield myself from all the negative feelings, a large chunk will inevitably pass through. At some point I had to decide to take responsibility for what I felt; good or bad.
Part of the work in getting yourself to a better, more manageable headspace is to identify work to be done. With my job it is easy to throw myself into my work. Even with such veracity I was not getting done what was crucial. I was writing content for blogs and going over marketing data, which is important, but this time of the year not crucial. I needed to identify what is most important in my job to work on. In other words, I needed a plan; some structure to be built that can be filled in later.
Since the work has now been given a structure, I needed to set clear expectations. Slower days with my job change over time as those days used to be Fridays. Now those days are on Wednesday. Working with people’s schedules always change. I needed to set up a workflow with a fallback plan. An ideal day would be seeing five clients and getting two more hours of administrative work done. What would that day look like with clients rescheduling or not showing up completely?
Even during trying times, something out of my control will happen at the last minute. Being a counselor, I have learned the necessity of being flexible. A client may have had to change from something that was outside of their control. Part of progressing is learning to not hold things whether tangible or personal too close. I.e.…I had to learn to be flexible for the sake of keeping my sanity.
The most challenging part of losing both of my parents has been the loss of structure I did not realize at first. The most challenging aspect of building my own structure is that I do not have a blueprint this time. Previously that structure consisted of years of family events and rituals. I can still do something like that. Realizing I have the authority to make this new structure is both exciting and terrifying. Another part of that structure was having an authority figure in my life to bounce ideas off and talk to. I still have those figures in the form of friends and family. Without either parent in my life, for now, it has felt like treading water for a while.
Progress itself demands there is evidence of consistent work headed to a perceivable goal. The last part of the challenge is figuring out what that goal is going to look like.
If you are looking for a therapist near you then a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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