Mental toughness is a term I have heard over the past year but in different concepts. The first is iFit, a subscription-based training program built into an elliptical machine I bought a few years ago during the height of the COVID pandemic.
Imagine hiking in a scenic spot such as the Himalayas with the coach telling you over and over that pain is temporary with the reward being much greater than temporary relief. Not much different than a drill sergeant.
The second concept was reading an article about self-compassion being the absolute go to skill for mental and physical resilience. Brene’ Brown is a professor, author and podcast host who has gained a massive following for her view of self-care.
The opposite of self-compassion is self-criticism; a term I am an expert on as I have dealt with this myself and with some clients, I have seen have who have dealt with in such an intense manner that they think of not wanting to live anymore.
In many of my sessions, regardless of what the topic is, a common question I will ask is “tell me about the conversation you have with yourself in your head?” Some look at me like I am alien and others know what I am talking about. I ask this question to gauge how they treat themselves.
Part of answering this question is if this criticism is the memory of a parent or family member criticizing them that has been playing on a loop for years. Sometimes this can be identified. Other times this criticism can be playing on a loop stemming from self-criticism.
The reason I am an expert on this is that the self-criticism that played on a loop inside my head was “you idiot.” This phrase would play in my head from the most innocuous mistakes such as a simple typo to something more serious like hurting myself such as falling. Either way, the criticism was unwarranted.
I had to come to a place where I recognized this phrase had no merit. “You idiot” may not seem so bad. Hearing this over and over I realized I was not giving myself the benefit of the doubt and in return was not extending this to other people.
The fix was not too bad but took some self-discipline in that when the thought of “you idiot” came up I would repeat “no I’m not.” Saying “no I’m not” began the path of strengthening my own self compassion.
I had to strengthen the mentality of thinking “no I’m not” to counterbalance the “you idiot.” Kind of like for every criticism there needs to be 10 or so compliments to offset it. In time I was able to train my brain to be more compassionate and less critical, but it took the investment of time and discipline.
True self compassion is looking at yourself not out of naivety but in a realistic light and evaluating how you can improve. An example may be being overly critical on yourself in developing a new habit.
With the start of a new year coming up a common new habit is to exercise more. Many gyms see explosive new membership in January only to see it drastically taper off as early as March. A realistic and feasible goal would be to look at your goal and narrow down any unrealistic expectations.
Instead of vowing to yourself you are going to go to the gym five times in a week, be okay with getting there twice a week or even once knowing the gym will not be going anywhere. Anything more than that is even better. This way you are making progress toward the goal of being more fit, but you are also looking at reality and that many things in life come unexpectedly.
Tying in the topic of mental toughness, the ones who are going to show the most strength over time are the ones who give themselves and others the benefit of the doubt.
If you are looking for a therapist near you then a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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