I am a big proponent of the teachings of Dr. Henry Cloud. My first assignment when I was in full-time ministry was at the University of Chapel Hill and every Thursday was “Men’s Time” for the staff team. One of the books that we went through is called “Boundaries.” I have written about “Boundaries” before and the sort of “wake up call” it gave me. I wanted to press on another issue related to boundaries.
I subscribe to Boundaries.me which includes a daily video from Dr. Cloud. One of his “mantras” for lack of a better word lately has been “make someone mad.” What he is referring to is to stand up for yourself, tell someone “no” or something you know the other person does not want to hear. Yeah, it is going to feel awkward and alien, but it is the beginning of a healthy habit to get into to.
When I was growing up I heard a lot of “it’s not that bad” or “you’re too sensitive.” Part of that wake-up call I mentioned is realizing what I feel matters. So, a choice I started making in 1998 was instead of not saying what I knew the other person wanted to hear and as a result having some resentment build up was to communicate my position but in a way that reaffirmed, I still loved them and that they are valuable in my life.
One way is to think through the people you would like to have an intentional conversation with. The easier ones to talk with are the ones who are in your life the most so it would not seem out of place to have a conversation like this.
People where this is easier to do this are ones who are understanding and empathetic where harder ones are more defensive and are prone to take something more personally. Use this way of thinking as a guide to who you want to address first. If you want to start off with someone you know who will feel offended and get mad and you want to get this conversation out of the way, have at it.
Second, keep your accounts short. When you are able to have this conversation, reference something that was said a few days or a week ago versus something going back 20 years. A great barometer test is how the person takes this. If they take responsibility and apologize, you have a safe person, and it gets easier to take a stand.
What if you have this conversation with someone who does not seem to get it and takes no responsibility? Well, if this is a person who is really close to you, like a spouse or parent, this is when counseling may come in to play. According to the degree of the offense, a third party or mediator can also be brought in.
If there is a person who is not getting the idea and your relationship to them is someone at work or a family member you only see on holidays; this is when you have to make a decision on if you are content in the fact that you did your part and realize that you have no power over how the other person is going to react.
If you are looking for a therapist near you then a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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