The “miracle question” is often used in counseling by asking, “if you were to wake up tomorrow and everything is how you want it to be, what would that look like?” The purpose of the question is for the person to imagine what circumstances would be like with their goal being met. Most of the time the person will say this is would never happen. This is where a person adjusts their perspective of the ideal versus real.
The ideal certainly can happen. When it does, it usually does not last nearly as long as you would like. The ideal is the perfect vacation that has been planned for months before heading back to the reality of life. There are always moments of an ideal in relationships whether a friendship, marriage or business relationships that happen surrounded by the reality of meeting deadlines. The “honeymoon phase” of a marriage represents an ideal life before arriving at the reality that they are two people with flaws and needs of their own to be worked through.
There have been some couples who have had a conflict over how one spouse wishes the other spouse behaved. The tension comes when the spouse resents the other because of this expectation. “I wish you were the type of person who loves to do yardwork so that we would not have to pay for it.” Another is “I wish you would come to me each weekend and ask what you could help me with.”
One reality is the spouse imposing these wishes on the other needs to take responsibility for themselves instead of projecting their frustration directly at the other. Instead, they are wanting the other spouse to bend into this specific role when the other person is simply not wired that way.
There is nothing wrong with the spouse who does not like to do yardwork. If it is too expensive to pay a crew to do yardwork, a discussion could then shift to finances to cut out cost so the yardwork is more affordable.
The problem is when the spouse places these expectations on the other without realizing the problem over something not real. The “ideal” solution would the demanding spouse hearing the other spouses “no” and realizing that they’re wanting to relax on the weekends instead of doing yardwork.
When one spouse continues to not respect the other’s autonomy and how they are wired, resentment grows if there is no compromise. Compromising sometimes is not ideal but is real for any relationship to grow and thrive.
When a spouse can see the other’s point of view and own up to their unrealistic expectation a compromise can be made. One spouse would give the other some tasks needing to be done. However, instead of doing them over the weekend, these tasks were evenly dispersed during the week as there were spots of free time that could be used to accomplish these tasks.
When the demanding spouse is still not seeing the conflict from the other’s point of view, the chasm deepens. The spouse wanting the other to do yardwork continued to not empathize their spouse on this issue. The issue was not yardwork but rather the demanding spouse who refused to hear the other spouse’s no and the reasoning for it.
The ideal is possible but not when one person is all in and the rest are not. Finding the compromise comes with communication removed from taking a negative result personally. Never be afraid of asking how someone feels about the outcome.
If you are looking for a therapist near you then a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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