I do not accept help well as I have always had the mentality, “I can do whatever the task requires by myself.” Part of this is being an only child as growing up I did chores around the house by myself. I have also found this mentality in some of the client’s I have had over the years who must face obstacles in their lives.
Call it stubbornness or overcompensation. I generally do not ask for help or accept it because I have a good idea of what has worked for me in the past. What has worked has always been the result of hard and consistent work. However, the core reason stems back to living with a chronic illness for 30 plus years and dealing with a way to work around limitations brought on by the condition. I developed the mentality that to succeed at my goals I had to work twice as hard as others to compensate for the limitations because of my medical condition.
After 30 years another word to add along stubbornness and/or compensation is pride, which is not good because what has worked for me can become a lens of judging others. When someone judges’ others they are either going to be prideful or depressed and neither of those are good outcomes.
Doing a case study of all the people I have talked to over the past five or so years, there are a handful who also have compromised health conditions that have made them even more determined, and they have ended up successful in life despite it all.
I have worked with client’s who live in group homes who are on disability for seven years now. The one who has found the most success in that they have held down a part time job and recently moved into an apartment is a double amputee. This person will not accept help under any circumstances because they have figured out how and what works for them. As a result, this person sees any obstacle as a challenge.
Another person I have worked with lives with a low-grade cancer treated with medication that is essentially chemotherapy. This person is also a successful lawyer. They especially deal with chronic fatigue. Since they are self-employed, they able to dictate their own hours and can work from home when needed. Because of this they can get in the amount of work their job demands.
I bring this up because the topic of “neediness” has been brewing in the Christian community. The authors do not say neediness is good or bad, only saying that self-sufficiency can turn into an idol as a person can come to admire themselves rather than who God deserves the glory.
One of the client’s above mentioned this topic not quite sure what to think. “Were they sinning because they were self-sufficient not relying on God enough?” So, we talked about that.
After many texts we concluded that the self-sufficiency was born out of survival when there was no one to ask for help. More importantly, there was no one who understood what they were going through where the person felt safe to express their need for help. An example being the side effects of medication that must be taken. For this client, a medication they took for depression caused them to gain a lot of weight. The client said, “the only person who is going to do the exercise I need to lose this weight is me.” With that, this person trained for a 10k that took over a year and in the process this person lost the gained weight and developed a healthy habit.
Relating all too well myself, I have taken corticosteroids on and off for the past 30 years with water retention and weight gain being the chief complaint but also anxiety and bone thinning when taken for a long period of time. Taking this medication in high school was an impetus in getting into the habit of regular exercise, great for building back bone density.
Back to neediness. A person who is “needy” sort of has a stereotype. The needy friend/ husband/wife/child/neighbor/mom/dad/sister/brother/pet or relative who is always calling at all hours asking for help, but to be honest, you really are not in a helping mood because you have helped them many times before. Help should be given from those who truly cannot do the task themselves not those that expect it as if it is their rite, right?
So, what is the answer? Consider the source. I am a caregiver for my 78-year-old father whose wife, my mother, passed away from Alzheimer’s five years ago two months before he learned he had to start kidney dialysis. Over the years we have had MANY lively conversations on boundaries, respect of another person’s time and to ask for help versus assuming the help will come out of me reading his mind.
As a result of these “discussions”, over the past five years my previous fear of conflict has dissolved, and my conflict management skills are on point because we are able to verbalize any disagreements because we have a foundation of love since he is my dad. Also, my frustration has turned into empathy as there are some things, he flat out needs help for that has been another grieving process for him.
Being the first born, or, only born makes me an overachieving caregiver. The overachieving part makes me productive which is great for business but is a double edge sword of judgement when I am not seeing another pull their weight which has not been good for friends/roommates/family/my cat.
Neediness is especially a double edge sword as I hate admitting, even to myself how needy I am and would much rather rely on myself than ask. Is that pride or years and years of conditioning? Both … maybe.
Neither neediness nor self-reliance are good when one is taking themselves or another person for granted. For example, one is lazy/foolish when they demand something that they can very well do. (May or may not be an example from my own life…) On the flip side, one is being way too self-reliant and foolish when trying to bench press 225 pounds without anyone spotting them. (Not me as I have never bench pressed that much.)
So, where is the balance of asking for help and evaluating if it is something a person can really do themselves?
If you are looking for a therapist near you then a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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