“How do you think you are doing?” I have started to ask this question at the end of a session for clients who tend to be self-critical on themselves. Think of the “straight A” student in high school and/or college whose lives look incredible on the outside. However, these high performers whose extracurricular activities and daily discipline is admirable deal with immense self-doubt and anxiety.
A sizable fraction of the client I work with are either in college or graduate school. These clients are not seeking counseling because they are having trouble with an area in their life, many are seeking counseling as they are trying to perform to the expectations, they have put on themselves.
My first few questions are where the expectations originated from thinking some of these expectations were imposed on by family. Sometimes that is the case. Most of the time, the client’s family, such as their parents, think they are doing great, performing beyond what the parent wanted for their child.
The person’s expectations the high performing client is not living up to is themselves. Feedback I get back can be summed up in one statement, “I think I should be further along than I am now.” “Where would you like to be?” I ask. “I am working on that.”
Whether the client is a high performing student or lawyer, both deal with anxiety in some way as they are thinking how their actions are going to impact the future. A student may experience anxiety as their actions in school determine which Ivey League school that get in and a lawyer’s action determines whether a person spends life in jail or not.
In general, thinking about how your actions will impact your life and other’s around you can be a good thing. When does that thinking become something negative or harmful?
The thinking becomes harmful when the expectation is essentially rooted in perfection which is a fallacy. An example of this is the student whose sense of self-worth is rooted in maintaining a 4.0 or higher GPA which is terrific. The danger comes if their GPA results in anything below a 4.0 equates failure.
In this case, this person is used to producing the absolute best. The problem begins when the person starts to think of “pretty good” like a 3.95 GPA as failure when a 3.95 GPA is incredible.
The question “how do you think you are doing?” is used as a tool for self-evaluation. Often, they are many variables that influences a person’s life such as their occupation, family, and health to name a few. The question of “how do you think you are doing” takes all these variables into consideration.
A more thorough question may be, “how do you think you are doing in school along with your marriage, being a caregiver for your dad, seeing your doctor to manage your immune deficiently, working a full-time job and getting adequate self-care?”
Essentially, “how do you think you are doing” measures the amount of grace and/or benefit of the doubt you give yourself. An important question to revisit especially going on year three of COVID.
So, how do you think you are doing?
If you are looking for a therapist near you then a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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