Going through the process of grieving is the last thing someone wants to do as processing it in an unhealthy manner can leave a person off worse for wear. Going through the process of grieving in a healthy manner is still difficult as it is dealing with a loss and with grieving the process must play out because it cannot be sped up. What are some tools to process grieving in a healthy manner?
I am in a unique spot as my father died at the end of October of 2023. This outcome had been so easy to see by many people but when the inevitable happened, even when his death was not surprising, the event is shocking. Death is the end of the person’s life, the end of my dad picking up the phone when I call, the end of my dad calling me on the phone or calling my name. You get my drift. Death is the end of the thousands of small moments from a person. Even though it has not even been two months since my dad passed, I have learned what is healthy and not healthy in grieving.
I have an elliptical machine with a program displaying a video of a trainer. One day I was pressed for time and did a 15-minute workout. What the trainer says usually goes in one ear and out of the other but this one was talking about his recovering from Lymphoma where he had to be induced into a coma for several months. This trainer talked about the yearlong process of learning to breath, swallow, walk and regain his mobility. The trainer had two words of advice that stayed with me; “get vertical.”
One of the dangers in recovering from a serious trauma is giving in to the temptation of backing down whether that means not getting out of bed or pushing back the temptation of self-pity. Part of this is having reasonable expectations. This means measuring and setting a goal that is both a stretch but something that will not exhaust you as well.
In the weeks that followed my dad passing, I have had many relatives and friends reach out to me. In grieving, the more people to come by our side, the better. A goal I have set for myself is to reach out more. I have a call into my church to go to an event to get placed into a small group at the beginning of next year and I have started counseling myself… also the first week of the beginning of the year.
With grief, there are the unsuspecting moments when a wave of it passes through that I am unprepared for. An example is this intrusive thought that I did not do everything I could have to help my dad. I was his caregiver for five years; I was his help 24/7. Still, I felt the accusation and guilt that there was something more I could have done. I will be talking to my counselor about that thought, but what helped to process that helplessness is journaling.
The last time I was in counseling was six years ago processing my mother’s last days. The counselor gave me an assignment of keeping a “bullet point journal.” The point of a bullet point journal is to write down several words either in a moment or throughout the day. Journaling typically is handwritten or on a computer which can be kept up for maybe a week before it is abandoned altogether out of the strugglel it can be. However, if this is something that can be kept consistently, stick to it.
I have kept my bullet point journal on the Note app on my iPhone for at least once a week for the past six years. In that time, I have hundreds of entries and I can reflect on how I was feeling at different stages.
What I have discerned is harmful in grieving is staying still and staying complacent. This has been more of a challenge since I have moved to a two-bedroom condo where my office is the second bedroom. That means some days are just me and my cat. Fortunately, with my job I can meet with other collogues and some of my clients throughout the week.
When in grief, start moving. Any moving. A person thinks clearer when they are in motion. Do not grieve alone. Write it out.
If you are looking for a therapist near you then a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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