Today marks two years since my mom passed away. The day it happened, even though I knew it would be happening for a long time, I was still shock. In the coming weeks and months, that shock wore off. Last year, there was a tinge of sadness as I had settled into the reality of my mother’s passing and coming to terms with that.
This year is different. There were many times I thought I had arrived at the “acceptance” stage of grief only to briefly revisit the other stage of grief. Now, as I see a picture of my mom that will occasionally pop up on my iPad screen saying “this was taken x many years ago.” Now when I see one of those pictures my most prominent thought is “that was taken 13 years ago (in disbelief)” rather than that tinge of address.
I think I have accepted my mom’s death. I used to dream about her vividly. Thinking back the dream maybe lasted a whole second but what I felt was the connection of my mom that has been lost, for now. I have not had a dream with my mom in it lately. Maybe that means I have accepted her death. Maybe not. I will still have these experiences of déjà vu activated by a sound or smell. In those moments I will feel more of the sadness as I am taken back to a memory.
My mom died of Alzheimer’s disease which causes “abnormal grieving” that my dad and I experienced. My mom ever so slowly deteriorated over eight years as she was already being grieved before she died. Two years after her death has been enough time for reality to set in. I want to be able to embrace reality fully even if that takes two years.
November, especially around Thanksgiving was and is still my favorite part of the year because the end of November is my birthday.. I remember someone at my mom’s funeral saying “I bet this spoils the month of November for you.” While I smiled and thought “thanks for the encouraging comment” I realized I do not have to choose feeling down. This year has been the year that shift has been made.
What gives me tremendous comfort and hope is that I know without a shadow of a doubt that my mom is in heaven. I am a believer in Christ as my mom was. Even though I may not see her for another 30 to 40 years, which seems like 1,000 years away I know I will see her again. However, I feel like I remember the past 30 years as if they were yesterday. 30 years is not far off.
Lastly, what contributes to my peace is that I have zero regrets with my mom. She knew how much I loved her. We really had no differences to resolve. I know of some who have lost loved ones and they have tremendous guilt either because of something
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