Grief aftershocks is a term used to describe a sudden sadness coming out of nowhere remind a person of a loss. The past month I have been meeting with a client who is in his mid-forties who came to counseling realizing that he needed to face the feelings associated with grief. This client has experienced horrendous loss as he and his wife were foster parents to a child who suddenly died.
Additionally, the client and his wife have come to the point where they know they will not be able to have children. If that is not bad enough, this family has a 15-year-old golden retriever who was given six months to live two years ago as the client is expecting their pet to go any day.
With all of this, the client said that he was raised in a family where the rule pertaining to feelings was to “keep a stiff upper lip” meaning to push the feelings down and ignore them. There was no real incident that happened to the client where he realized he needed to get into counseling. The client said he was experiencing these small triggers each day that remind him about death. The client called these “grief aftershocks.”
I could relate to that term all too well and I asked him for permission to use it as I think it explains the feeling or moment all too well. Essentially, a person has accepted their loss but something unexpected hits them out of nowhere resulting in feeling sad for the moment as they are reminded of their loss.
These moments still occur for me maybe once a week when I am reminded about the death of my mother. One time it was when I saw a certain shade of green which reminded me of the color of a shirt my mom would ware often. There are times I am taken off guard but have come to embrace those moments when they come.
My client’s take on the experience is that he felt something was wrong with him for still feeling this small reminder of grief he thought had passed. A big reason for his thinking was doing research on the “five stages of grief” which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
The client’s expectation was that after he had reached acceptance, he would be through with grief. Logically, his thinking makes perfect sense. What is perfectly normal is to experience those occasional times where a person is suddenly taken back to a loss whether big or small.
Though Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief is the standard so to say, other sources say there are as many as 12 stages. Whatever a person is feeling in their journey with grief, their feelings are perfectly valid.
What helped this client is realizing it is common to occasionally go back from acceptance to depression and back. Just because a person comes to accept their loss does not mean there will not be times of sadness.
When experiencing grief on any level, what is best is to have a support group family and friends to lean on and process with. In grief, whatever the form, whether it is right after a loss or several years after a loss, realize what you are feeling is real and perfectly normal.
Grief does not have to pertain to the death of a person. A person can experience grief over the death of a potential relationship, the death of a job prospect or even the death of an idea that did not work out as one was hoping. Any kind of disappointment is worth entering into the process of grief. Though the process is unpleasant, the end brings healing and more strength.
If you are looking for a therapist near you then a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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