The Long Road. I have worked with several clients who have set a goal to change or get better at being more assertive or implementing boundaries on themselves and other people. Several times I have heard the person feeling discouraged and ultimately give up on their goal because the change is not happening right away.
When I was in full time ministry my first assignment was at UNC Chapel Hill. On Thursdays the staff team went through a book called Changes That Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud. One section of the book was on setting boundaries with other people. Growing up I did not feel the freedom to disagree with someone thinking what I had to say was not important. Working through this section of the book was very eye opening. The Long Road.
My train of thought was that I could have this boundaries thing down in no later than a month or six weeks. Twenty-two years later I am still dealing with managing boundaries and have realized this is a life-long discipline.
Recently, one of my clients has been struggling with his relationship with his girlfriend. This person is very successful but feels like he cannot say the word “no” thinking he is letting a person down or when he does say “no,”, he feels the need to justify saying no going into extensive details. The author I mentioned who wrote Changes That Heal wrote a separate book on boundaries, aptly titled Boundaries.
In one day, my client read 200 pages of the book and explained how eye-opening the book is for him. This client resonated the most with feeling that he can help other people carry burdens but does not feel like he can ask for help for his own burdens. The Long Road.
Additionally, the client became more aware of people in his life he realized needed some boundaries because he found himself starting to resent another person for taking him for granted.
This client is very structured and made a plan that he would understand and implement boundaries with everyone in his life, especially his girlfriend in a few days, two weeks at tops. Trying my hardest to hide my reaction I mentioned that implementing boundaries will take much more than two weeks as some people more than others will respect boundaries where others will have a harder time with it.
This client voiced that hearing this was reassuring and frustrating at the same time. Thinking implementing boundaries would just be a one-time conversation with different people was not realistic or feasible possibly leading my client to give up on his goals. However, making small changes and being more assertive over time is much more realistic.
I have not heard from the client on how things went with his girlfriend, but he did say that he feels much more prepared in addressing issues that they have disagreed over. That’s a win!
If you are looking for a therapist near you and a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
Learn more about Individual Therapy, Couples Therapy, Faith Based Therapy or Family Therapy.
Follow Clearer Thoughts on Facebook. Click here.
Clearer Thoughts is on Instagram. Click here.
You can set up an appointment for your free 20-minute consultation by clicking here.
