Last week I returned to work after a refreshing two-week vacation. Even though my vacation was more of a staycation, nonetheless I was able to get that disconnect from a hectic work schedule. I think looking forward to work after a vacation is a good sign. Last Monday felt like empathy overload.
I met with five clients and all of them went through a natural disaster, loss of a job, COVID for the second time, the breakup of a relationship and major depression triggered annually by the holiday season. I had not spoken with some of these clients in close to a month since some of them I meet with every other week.
Each of these clients had the means to get through each of these incidents but found themselves in damage control without having the time and/or direction to process the fallout of what had happened. In these times I have always struggled with what to say when what they really need most is to be heard and cared for.
One client had to rely on government aid to get there home cleaned up from a natural disaster. Most of the work had been done to clear out the damage and any appliances and furniture replaced. The biggest issue is this person has no supports to stay with while their home is being repaired.
Patience had run out a week ago for this person and they were asked to wait until sometime next week for this project to be completed. Even though there was now an end in sight for this disaster to be finished, this person is still mad at how this process was handled as they felt unheard and passed over.
How can you deal with a person’s anger and frustration that is not directed at you when they need to let those emotions out? Listen to them and recognize the emotion whether it is anger and/or frustration is not directed at you to not take their valid emotions personally.
While the latter step is self-explanatory, listening is not as straightforward. As a counselor, even if the client lives and acts in a way that is completely against your own personal values, an atmosphere of safety must be set where the client feels zero judgement whatsoever. That means being mindful of any non-verbal ques that may be communicating such as rolling of the eyes or a sigh communicating disgust or disapproval. Even if the client goes against a very personal value available, the client is still a person who has already taken the step to seek help.
The second and most important step of listening is giving them 1000% undivided attention. This means turning off any notifications on phones, computers, Alexa, Siri or whatnot. They are paying you to hear them after all. This even means going to the bathroom before the sessions start. Plan out anything you can think of that will rid your mind of distractions so you can fully listen.
Setting an atmosphere of safety and non-judgement is not so easy to write a step-by-step list. This comes in the everyday practice of trail and effort and learning from experience. With empathy you are really putting yourself in their shoes. Having your home flooded would be horrible. Grieve with them, cry with them, pray with them. You may be the only safe person in their life and that is why they are coming to you.
After all of this, how is it possible not to bring work home affecting other people like your family? The answer is insultingly simple, self-care. Take whatever time you can get for yourself, even if it means getting up earlier in the morning to process those unwanted emotions whether that is pent up anxiety of depression. Do whatever it takes to process those emotions even if that means seeing a therapist.
There is a commercial for Geico with the talking Gecko that sort of parodies the “it’s not your fault” scene from Good Will Hunting. The Gecko is telling this biker gang “you deserve to save” when one of the bikers breaks down in tears.
In therapy, hard and serious work is being done that can result in something unwanted like couple deciding to end their relationship. At the end of each day, every day, I cannot have empathy for another person unless I help and empower the other person, I am talking with to own the emotions they are feeling. The point of seeing a therapist is to process and in that temporarily share the burden. Ultimately it is the client’s responsibility to put in the work.
If you are looking for a therapist near you then a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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