Wanting to be liked is a common and natural desire to have. The thought that someone dislikes you can be horrifying for some. A word of wisdom that has stayed with over the years is that if everyone like you, you are probably doing something like compromising your values and/or not telling the truth. So, if you are going to be disliked be disliked for the right reasons.
Almost six years ago when I was started my career in counseling, one of my first clients was someone who did not seem to meet any criteria for depression or anxiety. In fact, this person seemed to have things together with a great career and family.
The reason this person came to counseling is that there were certain people that he knew did not like him. This person was brought up to believe that everyone should like you and if someone did not, that meant something was wrong.
As we talked more, this person started to talk about their earlier career. This person had just started their own business as a realtor. Thinking about how they started out, he knew of some coworkers that were being less than honest with clients in this company.
I asked this client, “so this person you know who does not like you, they were a former college roommate of yours?” The client nodded in agreement as I thought this person was a close friend or family member. My next questions, “then this person was not a big deal to you?” The client nodded again. “But it was a big deal to you that they did not like you?” The client nodded again.
After a somewhat awkward five minutes it seemed the client went on to say how they were brought up to be liked by everyone. This was a normal expectation for this client and the fact that this one college did not like them was dumbfounding.
Thinking the answer was too obvious I said that it sounds like you are disliked because you are honest and do not cut corners at work. Looking at my client I could see the proverbial lightbulb go off in their head. It never occurred to them they were looked down upon for having the reputation for doing their job honestly and correctly.
This person went on to talk about how there were others they sensed did not like them. One was a friend’s significant other who verbally berated them and even made jokes at their expense in public. The client realized this person did not like them because he wanted what was best for their friend.
Unfortunately, it is not possible to change someone else behavior even if that behavior is toxic. That does not mean you to agree with this behavior. This mindset frees you up to live a life of integrity even is this flies in the face of others.
Not going along with a person or culture is never easy. Neither is living a life that is against your own morals and values. Either way is hard to do. You get to choose what that “hard” is.
If you are going to be disliked, be disliked for the right reasons.
If you are looking for a therapist near you then a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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