A few days ago, I talked to two friends of mine that I knew through my days working in full-time ministry with Cru. Both friends I have known for more than 20 years. One of those friends is on staff with a different ministry. We set a time to talk every three months. This guy is the type where we “click” and have a very dry sense of humor in common.
My other friend, we came on staff with Cru in 1997 and we were roommates for about three years, and we worked on the same team with Cru in Orlando. It just happened that I caught up with both men on the same day and I talked for around an hour with each of them.
Though I share a lot of great memories with both, I share more personal memories with my friend who was my former roommate. One of the topics we covered was the number of roommates I had in the first house I bought when I lived in Orlando. There was one roommate that in hindsight was a bad judgement call on my part and this roommate was not sitting well with the friend I have this rich history with.
Looking back, I remember making the decision to bring on this other person as a roommate because he was the son of a pastor. Because of this I thought he would be dependable and trustworthy. Two qualities he was not. Essentially, he simply was not doing some chores I had assigned him like putting dishes in the dishwasher and cleaning his bathroom. Also, he never paid rent on time and was always asking to borrow items like our cell phones and gas money.
However, what I did not know is this roommate in question, the unreliable roommate, was going to my reliable roommate complaining about how tough and unreasonable of a “landlord” I was, putting my reliable roommate in a difficult position. Additionally, once a month we would all eat dinner together as roommates and the unreliable roommate would always cancel at the last minute.
What solidified my decision to confront the unreliable roommate to let him go was a conversation with my reliable roommate where he basically said, “if he continues to stay here, I am leaving.” As someone who tries to stay as far away from confrontation until it is inevitable that I have that hard talk, the inevitable had to happen.
Confrontation gets a bad rap. I do not know anyone who truly likes confrontation as you know what must be said could potentially put the other person in a bad position. When a person has a good relationship with the other, confrontation, when reinforced with the foundation of the love/friendship and admiration for the other can be a very good tool to get past an issue and in turn strengthen a relationship.
On the other end of the spectrum, confrontation has been a tool misused that has resulted in pain, resentment, and the division of a relationship. Sometimes those relationships can be revisited and restored. Other times those confrontations have been so traumatic that it has rendered a relationship unsalvageable.
Even in the most loving relationships, confrontation often comes off as if there is something wrong with the other person. To combat that, before getting into the confrontation itself, do everything you can to reassure the other person that they are loved/valued/respected, and this discussion will not alter the existing relationship.
The same applies in a business setting. I have been on the receiving end of job performance reviews that were as pleasant as can be, where it was even a point of personal growth. On the other end of the spectrum, I have had a job review that came across as malicious and harmful. In time, when I was able to get past what seemed unpleasant, I was able to realize areas I was deficient in and where I needed to grow. The reviews that were pleasant was largely because the person put in the effort to reassure me that this review would not change our relationship.
Going back to the unreliable roommate I had to let go. The conversation did not go as planned, but it worked out. The plan was to get dinner with my reliable roommate, myself, and the unreliable roommate so we could both speak with him. What happened was that the unreliable roommate called me to bail out on having dinner, so I had the conversation then.
What had been a point of contention was him not doing chores I had asked him to do so it was not like this discussion was something that came out of nowhere for him. Being that there was no solid relationship to reassure him of, I did not try and come off as something I was not. What I did try was to not make this a personal issue even though I am pretty sure this person took it that way.
The conversation was unpleasant, but a conversation that had to happen. If I did not have this conversation, reality for me would have become worse as my reliable roommate would have moved out and I would still be stuck with the unreliable roommate. Fortunately, the unreliable roommate did have a place to go which made things more amicable.
Has there been a needed conversation that you have been putting off that you know you need to have? There is such a thing as a positive confrontation. Let’s talk about it!
If you are looking for a therapist near you then a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
Learn more about Individual Therapy, Couples Therapy or Christian Therapy.
Follow Clearer Thoughts on Facebook. Click here.
Clearer Thoughts is on Instagram. Click here.
You can set up an appointment for your free 30-minute consultation by clicking here.
