Empathy with boundaries
The book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud was a gamechanger for me. At the time I was going through the book with the UNC Chapel Hill staff team when I was on staff with Cru. The idea that revolutionized my thinking is that my feelings are valid. No one else can tell me otherwise and it is okay to say the word “no.” At the time I exercised that “no” muscle quite often. Years later I have learned how one person was really put off by this. Hence, boundaries with empathy.
Over the years, the concept of boundaries has received its share of criticism in that the saying of the word “no” can come off as cold. As someone with what feels like a large dose of empathy for others and a Christian, saying no is absolutely needed when I simply do not have the resources to give. What if the person asking, really needs, to a degree that their quality of life is significantly diminished by receiving that no?
Let me fill you in on where I am coming from. Around five years ago, my dad started kidney dialysis. He was 74 at the time and easily adapted to the procedure. Over time the process started to take its toll on him, but still, he adjusted.
Also, in that same window of time, my mother had to go into assisted living for increasing symptoms of dementia. With my mom not living at home anymore, the dynamic with my dad changed. The word evolve is more accurate. My mom passed in November of 2018. Now, my dad is living with me, and I am his primary caregiver.
Over the last three or so years my dad’s stamina has deteriorated, and I have picked up more and more responsibilities. I do not mind as I have lived by myself before and easily picked up each task. Still, there is one request my dad will make that absolutely makes me recoil. “Please rub my feet.”
I would happily rather take out the garbage, do the dishes, sort the laundry, or all the above. Many times, my dad needs help finding things like his briefcase, glasses, cane, etc. I have no problem with that. I will take my dad and/or pick him up from dialysis that I have no problem with. When it comes to rubbing his feet, I recoil. That is until I learned that…
Over the years, the process of dialysis gets exponentially harder for the patient. My dad is limited to just 32 ounces of liquid per day. That may not sound too bad. 32 ounces is just two bottles of water. I can go through that in a one-hour session with a client. What I did not mention about my dad is that in the past year he has developed a case of clinical anxiety.
When a person is going through dialysis, all their blood is cleansed and then placed back into their body. Normally a functioning kidney would do this. Both of my dad’s kidneys are affected. At the end of dialysis my dad is very tired. On top of this, he is also anxious. Guess what soothes that anxiousness…yep, rubbing his feet. With that, I have become more empathetic and push aside any frustration I have when he asks. This does not mean rules can’t be put into place.
My dad has dialysis on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and asks for his feet rubbed on these days… most of the time. A rule I have put in place is that if he wants me to rub his feet, he has until 7p to ask. I am the type of person where I cannot fully relax until everything is checked of the proverbial to do list. My dad honors this rule, most of the time.
Being a caregiver for my dad I have learned how to live more in the moment and say yes to what he is asking even when my present agenda is to relax because I have finished my work for the day. Thought it would be ideal if foot rubs could be submitted by 7p, there are always exceptions.
It is so easy to dismiss another person’s request for something if that request means you must completely stop what you are doing and give that effort to the other person. From personal experience, when this is done, it comes with judgement and a bit of resentment for the other person.
For the sake of conversation, put yourself in the other person’s perspective. If what they are asking is something they could do, but are lazy, a conversation about that may need to take place. If this seems to be a frequent request, push back any frustrations now and ask how this help they are asking benefits them. Research it online if they are not very specific.
Part of the adjustment on my part has been to shift the mindset that everything may not be done at the end of a workday. This has also been a process over the past almost five years. But, if contention still remains it may be time to talk with a professional…
If you are looking for a therapist near you then a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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