There is a worship song called “Don’t Put People in Boxes.” This means mentally placing someone in a category without truly knowing who they are. This could also be interpreted as a bias or formulas people perceive other people through. What about when someone has an expectation of how people should behave? This person is thinking there is a formula a person or people should follow.
The biggest obstacle a person faces is when they really get to know who someone truly is. The result could be disappointment that this person did not match their preconceived formula or even intimidation if the reality of the person is way below their preconceived formula is. Other times this can result in a pleasant surprise as the person has to now shift their view of this reality.
What about when someone holds a formula so tight without changing their expectation from previous experiences? This personality has a track record of constantly being disappointed that they lose hope of making a new friendship. Essentially, this personality has not learned from past experiences and continues to put people in the same category resulting disappointment every time.
Person A comes across as very needy and has a history of many failed friendships. Person A meets people all the time through work and mutual friends. Person A usually meets other people in group settings. The trouble seems to come when Person A attempts to get to know an individual from the group on a deeper level.
The obstacle that Person A constantly runs into is that they think a new relationship should fit into these very specific parameters. When one of those calculations is off, Person A will become increasingly frustrated even jealous and overbearing putting off who he is wanting to know better. What follows is a disagreement resulting in the end of this relationship.
There is a second component. Person A will later contact Person B to apologize and ask for a second chance. Sometimes Person gets the second chance, often not. If there has not been a true change with Person A the same scenario happens over and over.
While there is nothing wrong with having a formula which is an ideal of how a person should act, what is unhealthy is when someone does not learn from past experiences. People fit into many, many formulas. There is nothing wrong with a formula if you have many formulas learned through past experiences.
If you are looking for a therapist near you then a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or “counseling charlotte, nc.”
If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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