Over the past number of years, I have been able to predict the person or couple that will reach the goals that have set out to meet. There is just one criterion that determines their degree of success. That criterion is the person’s attitude toward work and following through knowing though hard, work is good.
Work takes effort. Work is hard. After all, it is supposed to be. Without work, there will be no income to provide for bare necessitates. Without work a person does not grow and does not meet goals. A person who will succeed in life has an attitude that the effort going into work, though hard, is a good thing.
There are several individuals who I will meet for a few sessions until they discontinue. They will then call me several months later wanting to get back into counseling only for the same issues to come back because the work in their addressed issues had not been done.
They will often come to counseling for the first three or four sessions. When the work becomes more challenging is when they will discontinue counseling only for the cycle to repeat itself.
An example of the work needing to do are often related to communication issues. Often in marriages, a big issue is that one of the parents of the couple still has a lot of power over them. This can result in disrespect for example if the husband’s mother still treats her son as if he is 10 years old when the husband is his 50’s but reverts to being a child when around his mother.
The work here is to develop a “no” muscle toward his mother’s demands. Often, this work is too intimidating indicating that growth has not happened, and the mother still has that power over their “50-year-old child.”
Another example is a man in his 60’s who just retired. He had been dreaming of retirement for a long time. He came into counseling discouraged as he equated “retirement” with “easy living” and “zero work.”
As a result, this person’s house is a train wreck with trash out in the open, dirty dishes lining the kitchen and laundry packed against the walls. Meeting with this person further, he said that his wife had died 10 years ago, and she took care of all the chores. When I asked him how he thought these chores would get done, he said that he always has the intention to start but gets distracted either sleeping too much or watching television thus procrastinates cleaning.
Work gets a bad rap because work equals effort; sometimes requiring more capacity a person has at the time working the point of exhaustion. One way to change the perspective toward an overwhelming task such as organizing a home is to plan. Sometimes it is the changing the perspective of the amount of work that needs to be done.
Say organizing the previously mentioned home will take 40 hours. Working 40 hours at once is way too intimidating and unrealistic. Breaking those 40 hours into 10 four-hour segments makes the goal much more manageable. Plus, there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking help even if it must be paid for.
What about the first example of the 50-year-old with the overbearing mother? The same principle applies that building that muscle to say “no” to his mother can be built over time by deciding to say “no” to smaller requests. In time this person is saying “no” to slightly larger requests. Over more time this person’s confidence has grown to say “no” to his mother large requests.
In both cases it helps tremendously to have a person or small group of people to hold the person accountable in meeting their goal. Sometimes the work to be done is soured as the person thinks it is all on their shoulders when they weight can be supported by friends and/or family who care about the person.
Work is inevitable whether it is occupational, relational, or maintaining a home. Work will always be stressful to some extent whether done on a regular basis and even more stressful if work has been procrastinated. The good news is that it is never too late to get ahead on whatever the work is that is stressful.
If you are looking for a therapist near you then a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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