The past month I have met with several people who all have the same problem in common. They have a glaring issue that needs to be resolved with their friend or spouse or family member and are not sure how to address the issue because of past behavior. Handling conversations can be an intimidating topic when they think the other person is going to react a certain way.
When this is the case, where one person is reluctant to bring up an issue with another because of past behaviors such as getting defensive and/or getting angry, the issue is more about not feeling equipped to deal with this head on. Because of this, the issue is rarely if ever addressed causing resentment for the one who feels helpless. The hard part may not be getting into the bulk of the subject, but rather how to navigate the discouraging behavior when the conversation has started.
One approach is to enter with an inquisitive viewpoint. Almost ten times out of ten, if a person is talking about an issue to be resolved in an angry manner, anger is going to be returned. However, if a person comes at a sensitive issue from a place where they are asking for help in how to understand how the person is feeling and what triggers their anger, the response will be much less volatile.
Six years ago, when I was taking some classes that would credential me to start counseling in North Carolina, I sat through a workshop about Motivational Interviewing. In this seminar were doctors, nurses, even lawyers, anyone who would have to deal with an unruly personality that needed to be deescalated.
The big takeaway from this seminar was a show called Columbo from the 1970’s. The main character is played by Peter Falk. This character’s specialty was interrogating criminals attempting to a solid reason a criminal committed the crime.
I remember seeing a rerun of this show at some point and thought this character had a few beers to many and was drunk. This act was all intentional as to take a “one down” approach to better connect with the criminal. Columbo’s famous line was “one more thing” where he would wrap up the case by asking the criminal clarifying questions to get their motive. How is this applicable in the real world, you may be thinking?
One example is a person who is a charge nurse. A charge nurse can work four 12-hour shifts in a row. This person’s work schedule was not the issue but rather how this person would bring their work home when treating COVID patients. This nurse has been taking care of the needs of patients where their needs were not taken care. The case is when the nurse comes home to a family needed even more of them.
Another case is a family member with health issues and the son who is the caregiver. The caregiver feels taken for granted and feels resentment towards his father at times. The son has brough this up several times only to be steamrolled verbally by the father. Full-time care for the father is not affordable.
The last case is a wife sick of her husband’s careless behavior. The wife describes their house as always, a mess even after she cleans up and organizes. There have been several instances of collection notices coming in the mail of bills the husband said he would take care of. Every time the wife brings this up with her husband, she is met with a barrage of anger.
In all three of these instances one party is intimidated by the other because of past attempts to address an issue is returned with anger. Therefore, the situation is made even worse because there is a barrier of hostility to cross that the other party feels powerless to try.
In all three of these cases, one person has tried to address the issue and received a response that shut them out. Although it takes a shift in thinking and perspective, taking on the role of a detective and trying to address a conflict with questions and putting yourself in their place.
Taking this role also requires a person to set aside their anger and resentment to have empathy for the other person. That is a hard ask. Going with this approach will result in personal growth and a better understand of where the other person is coming from.
This way is not easy and most likely will not result in the ideal outcome in a few tries. Be sure you are taking care of yourself and have support to process these frustrations with friends or family.
If you are looking for a therapist near you then a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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