The absolute worst critic on anyone is themselves. You know that small voice in your head that will make subtle retorts like “you idiot” after the smallest mistake made. I know this by personal experience. What if those words were formed a long time ago by an agreement or agreements made with yourself?
Whatever the comment, the root of it started growing ever so slowly. The comment in your head may have even come from another person, like a family member or close friend that was always quick to criticize.
At some point, an agreement was made reinforced over and over through learned behavior resulting in harsh criticism often unwarranted. This in turn creates discouragement which results in a great idea for an endeavor that never starts. So, how can this voice be identified and how can this voice be stopped?
Identifying the voice is easier as this voice is the first thought that comes to mind when a mistake is made. A sure way to isolate this voice is to catch yourself reacting to a minor mistake like spilling coffee or missing a turn when driving. The trick is to isolate that voice so you can become aware of the conversation. The point of this exercise is to document when and how often this thought speaks. A simple journal either on a smart phone or a piece of paper would work.
The main point of this exercise is to realize that this conversation is taking place inside your head. Start to think when and/or where this could have started. Did this come from an inability to give yourself the benefit of the doubt when you do make a mistake and/or did it come from another person who did not give you that benefit of the doubt?
If the voice identified came from another person, is this someone who is still in your life? If that relationship is volatile, is there further work to be done such as processing any anger or resentment you may have towards someone where some further processing needs to be done? Do I ask way too many questions in a paragraph? Absolutely!
Doing the work of asking these questions narrows down where the voice came from. No matter if the voice is coming from yourself or from another person, the next exercise is to determine if this voice is playing on repeat.
I bring this subject up because I am very self-critical. Comments are very subtle, so much so I do not think the matter is worth addressing. Each time I did make a mistake, no matter how small or large, each time the thought “you idiot” materialized, a small part of me was hurt.
There is an exercise called Thought Stopping, which is exactly what it sounds like. Thought stopping is used in deescalating a panic attack one is starting and is a useful tool to help combat depression and anxiety. Thought Stopping is not a one-time cure. Like working out, Thought Stopping becomes easier to access and more natural with practice.
An example of using Thought Stopping would be saying quietly or even aloud “no” or “stop,” when an intrusive thought comes to mind. A common tool used is a person wearing a rubber band around their wrist and whenever they experience a negative thought to snap that band. Anything to get out of that headspace to further along the process of getting back to normalcy.
The process of changing this conversation for myself took some time. Fortunately, I had a friend who brought this to my attention. Every time this thought occurred, I would simply say “No” in my head or out loud at times. It probably took a good year before I could fully give myself accurate criticism of where I did need to grow but also to give myself grace over a small offense like spilling water.
If you find yourself overly critical on yourself and think something like “idiot,” “goof,” or whatnot, take some time to examine if it is worth thinking through where that habit may have begun and taking the time to stop that train of thought.
If you are looking for a therapist near you then a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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