Conflict. A few days ago, I had a consultation with a couple who were potentially interested in marriage counseling. A consultation for my company Clearer Thoughts, is a free 20-minute session for any client or clients who are seeking counseling. Twenty minutes goes by fast, there is not a lot of time to really get to the heart of what a person or couple is going through. The last two minutes of the consultation is when I essentially say what I have to offer and give my price per session. So that is 18 minutes going by fast.
Essentially, the husband had been contacting other women over email. Somehow the wife found out about this when she went through her husband’s phone. The husband looked up counseling on the internet, found my website and called me. From what he said on the phone, this couple seemed close to divorce.
Getting into the consultation, this couple had been married for 15 years. They live in a small town in North Carolina and are very involved in their church. I asked the husband to think through a typical day of his to identify what may have triggered this idea to contact these other women. “The devil gets into my heart and makes me do this,” he answered.
Since this is a consultation session, I am gauging if this couple would be a good fit for counseling and they are gauging the same with me. In the initial phone call, the husband said that he is a truck driver and can only meet after 5:30pm. I set a boundary to not meet client’s part 5p. So, realizing that, I asked them something I knew would not go over well.
“How are you with resolving conflict with each other?” I asked. There was a long pause on the phone and heard the couple “thinking” hearing “hmmmm” several times. “We have never resolved any conflict,” the wife replied. I asked, “you two have been married for 15 years and have never resolved conflict?” I asked.” “Whenever I bring anything up, he starts crying,” the wife said.
I was not expecting that answer, so it took me a bit to think of what to say next. The husband talked about how he was brought up to not talk about anything and to “sweep everything under the rug” like nothing happened. “How has that worked out?” I asked. “Whenever my wife says anything, I cry hoping she will feel sorry for me and stop.”
With two minutes left, I knew we were not going to get to a resolution. So, I assigned them some homework which was a book to reference and some worksheets to read. I left them with this statement, “I would be more than happy to work with the two of you. The process will not be easy but will be worth the effort as the two of you discuss where your marriage has deviated and who has been responsible for their part in this process.” I could tell the couple was not enthusiastic as I think they were after a “quick fix” of sorts.
Why is sweeping everything under the rug so toxic? When an issue is not addressed, the issue becomes devalued resulting in resentment from the one who is offended. Secondly, when an issue is not addressed, neither person has an opportunity to grow and mature from this issue. Not processing an issue is a missed opportunity to address that would optimally result in bringing two people closer as the issue is worked through.
That “growth” is another word for “work” which does not happen overnight. The time put into the process of working on yourself wanting to make things right with the other person and together to put a safeguard in place, so this does not happen again.
Another negative point about not addressing an issue is that when no one claims responsibility, this means the same process of destructive patterns continues. Taking responsibility is hard, but that pain is temporary. What helps is to have someone, whether this is a friend or family member to check in with so a destructive pattern does not build up so large over time that permanent damage can occur.
What this couple did have going for them is that they were a part of a small group at church where they did feel the safety to bring this issue up. What happened was on the day they were planning to bring this up, a new couple joined the group, and they did not feel the familiar safety they had previously felt because a new couple was present.
The best families, friends, couples, teams at work, any relationship in general does the best when they handle conflict well. This requires one of the party’s taking responsibility and requires the other to approach the other in a loving, noncondemning and safe manner.
The hardest part is bringing up the issue as the other person may feel attacked and/or betrayed. Communicate to the other person how their relationship will not change, and how they genuinely want to resolve this conflict/issue.
If you are looking for a therapist near you then a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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