One of the most challenging tools to use in counseling is dealing with silence. Silence can be awkward and uncomfortable when that moment of silence can be used as an opportunity for the client to realize and process what they just said.
Silence has gotten a bad rap over the years. Silence has been indicative of this awkwardness because of not being sure of what to say next. Because of this the reaction to silence is to say something to get out of that awkwardness when embracing that moment can be a good opportunity.
There have been a couple of examples where I have found it necessary to have silence for the sake of the client as they need that time. One client of mine who is very cheerful and positive to be around needed some extra time to compose herself as the previous weekend had been the anniversary of the death of her mother.
In this instance there was an obvious “elephant in the room.” This client said he had been dreading the previous weekend and still had not cried. In this session was when he felt the freedom to let his emotions out and when he did it was not so awkward. In this instance, silence was not awkward.
Another client this past week, the silence was very awkward. This couple I have been meeting with is a medical doctor married to a literal rocket scientist. In addition, both of them have had to overcome significant cultural barriers. The first couple of sessions went very well where they seemed to have met their goals for counseling.
The work with this couple has been for the husband to connect emotionally to his wife. Part of the culture the husband comes from is being distant from emotion which was normal growing up into an adult. Since he and his wife have been married, small moments of the husband not connecting with his wife have built up and up over time.
A large chunk of our last session was the wife unloading on the husband things she has done for him that he has been oblivious to. I would love to say I am such a skilled clinician that I expertly used silence in that session. The husband ended up storming out as a nerve was clearly touched. Needless to say, I was the one who was silent as the wife in this session needed this time to deal with an issue with her husband that had been building up over time.
Sometimes therapy is silence in the form of giving another person the support and emotional space to process thoughts no matter how those thoughts are coming out. Many times, this is where counseling is especially beneficial for a couple as the session serves as moderated time to get those thoughts out. This couple has sort of gone through therapy in reverse as they have already worked through the large “elephant in the room” issue and what is needed to work on the smaller issues.
Part of my journey as a counselor is not feeling equipped to counsel couples as I am not married. The most encouraging advice someone has given me in counseling couples is that I am providing the safe and open atmosphere the couple does not have at home. Silence is awkward. I have learned to embrace that awkwardness knowing the silence only means no one is talking but processing thoughts and past behaviors.
If you are looking for a therapist near you then a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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