The past week I met with a client I already met with maybe two sessions with. This client was struggling with the damage and continued behavior of a toxic relative in her family. One item of interest is that I meet this client through a text session versus a video call or phone call. As of now the client has a family of her own and is getting to know a parental figure in her life that this other toxic relative had told this person lies about for years. As the client has gotten to know the truth of this parental figure, much anger and grief has grown with the client’s relation to this toxic relative.
The first two sessions were mostly about setting up boundaries with this toxic relative and managing the horrible memories of the past comprise of physical and emotional abuse. What caused the client to look into counseling was that this person is raising a toddler and in turn is getting triggered over and over with memories of the past they have tried to repress.
The last time I met with the client, this person was very close to a breaking point. The client asked me if there is a way to completely forget what this toxic relative has done and live life without the damage that has been done. I mentioned there is no way to completely forget what was done by this toxic relative, but there is a way of letting go of the damage done. The way this is done is through the process of forgiveness.
First off, let’s talk about what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is relinquishing your right for revenge or “pay back.” Forgiveness is letting go of doing the damage to them they have done to you. Also, forgiveness is almost completely for the benefit of the person doing the forgiving as that desire to get payback is a deep, deep hole they may not get out of. Revenge is supposedly digging two graves, one for the other person and one for yourself. The desire for revenge is very close to the process of digging.
Now, let’s talk about what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not forgetting. There is no way a person will completely forget something done against them. 10 or 20 years down the road the wrongdoing may sting a bit less, but the memory is still there. Forgiveness is also not something done once as it is a process. Sometimes forgiving someone has to be revisited every day until it becomes more manageable. Forgiveness is some sense the process of learning how to manage the wrong done to you knowing you have let go of getting back at the person who wronged you.
As a Christian and someone who worked in full-time ministry for a number of years, I thought I had not fully or completely forgiven someone if I still had the memory of what the other person did. Only God himself is the only one who can truly forget as He is not mortal as humans are very mortal.
What is your experience with forgiveness? Do you think forgiving someone is something done once or is a process, or both?
If you are looking for a therapist near you and a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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