I met with a new client this week who is very successful and outgoing. This person works out daily and runs six miles afterwards. My new client has a very successful business as he is very well off financially. Also, he is engaged to be married and has two successful children from a previous marriage. Why is this person seeking counseling? You may ask.
Despite all of the great success this person has had and will continue to have this person is constantly preoccupied with death. This person is a Christian and has a strong relationship with God, but at the same time is consumed with the possibility of “what if?” What if I die tomorrow? What if my children get sick? What if my fiancé bails the last minute?
A little over halfway through the session this person said that he is also obsessed with being in control of every detail in his life. This person is a personal trainer, so their calendar is planned to the very minute with clients and time with his family and finance’. The one thing this person cannot control is death and that drives this person up the wall.
The client went on to say that a point of contention with his fiancé’ is that she is much more spontaneous and will say “let’s go do this right now” with no heads up. In my client’s defense, he did say he is trying to embrace more spontaneity but arriving at that decision was challenging. A simple question such as “where do you want to eat” completely throws this guy off as suddenly he has to stop what he is doing and think of the many, many options and then answer.
A “control freak” is not born overnight. Many times, this trait has become a way of life in some sense as in this case this person’s job requires them to manage a number of tasks and people to have a specific outcome. Someone who works on a schedule most of the time is not going to be able to turn that off. So, how does one deal with a high control person?
The hard answer is, it takes time and patience. Having a person who values spontaneity of schedule can be a good thing for the controlling person, though it will frustrate them both greatly… at first. Whether this relation is between tow friends, a couple, roommates or even a working relationship it takes valuing the person over whatever is the point of frustration.
With this client who has this phobia of death, it started from his first wife’s sudden death which taught “anything can happen” and cannot be controlled. This happened over twenty years ago for this client and ever since then he has tried to control every aspect of his life and other people’s life.
Fortunately for this client, he is open to more spontaneity. He has proper motivation as he is accommodating his fiancé’. Do you ever find yourself unwilling to make a change because you have a high need of control?
If you are looking for a therapist near you and a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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