“I’m not feeling it” is the reasoning I have heard many times from a married couple to pursue getting a divorce or a couple looking into ending their relationship. While feelings are real and feelings can dominate the direction of making a serious decision, feelings change like the weather.
Before I became a counselor, I was in full-time ministry on staff with Cru, formerly Campus Crusade for Christ. A tract that has been a staple of Cru since its inception in the 1950’s that has been renamed a few times is called “The Four Spiritual Laws.”
The page that really stuck in my mind was a drawing of a train illustrating fact, faith and feeling. The title of the page is called “Do not depend on feelings.” The illustration showed the locomotive labeled “fact”, the car being carried by the locomotive “faith” and the caboose is labeled “feeling.” The explanation says that a train can run with or without the caboose. However, it would be useless to pull the train by the caboose. You get the idea.
The past three weeks I have been meeting with a man in his early 30’s who is engaged to be married in October. He pursued counseling to get a different point of view as to what feelings and possible blindspots to pay more attention to.
This client said, “My feelings can become so prominent that it can blind me to what is most important.” At the time he and his fiancé had been arguing over what kind if church to attend. The fiancé’s church of choice did not fare well at all for this client. Even with the client just talking about it, I could see that this topic raised his blood pressure a bit.
At one point the client considered breaking off the engagement because of this very issue. After giving it a few days, he came to a different point of view. I asked him what had changed when he gave some time to this decision instead of making an irrational decision in the moment? My client’s response was “I wanted to make sure the love we have for each other was not worth throwing away over what church we go to.” Part of me wanted to offer him a job working with me as a marriage counselor because his reasoning was so profound!
Because this client had the wisdom to not act on his feelings in the moment but instead giving himself some time to look at the decision in a different point of view made all of the difference.
While feelings are important, they should rarely be the sole reasoing in making a major decision.This can apply to just about any kind of relationship whether it is a marriage or dating relationship to a relationship between two friends or family. Feelings are important but at the same should be given some time to think and reflect on to see if the reasoning is really enough to warrant making or adjusting a big decision.
Where do you fall in allowing feelings to play a part in making major decisions in your life?
If you are looking for a therapist near you and a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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