This week was a first for me as one of my new clients is a fifth grader. The father contacted me concerned for his two children about how they have been processing stress over a divorce with their parents. This fifth grader is 11 years old, so needless to say, it took a good deal of time to build trust with him as I am guessing it is not easy for him to open up to a stranger. Still, I was quite surprised that I had a full 50-minute session with him.
The father mentioned that he thinks his son is having trouble with a divorce three years prior. One week is spent with the father and one week is spent with the mother. Although I knew this going into the session, I could not just bring up the topic as I had to wait for the client to bring up the topic. At around 30 minutes into the session, the client talked about how he feels stress whenever he has to go to the other parent’s house.
The client said, “whenever I have to make a decision to do something, that means I am choosing what not to do.” I thought this was a very profound statement coming from a fifth grader. Just this week school started for him. With COVID19 going on, he spends Mondays and Tuesdays in class and Thursdays and Fridays doing online learning.
Ideally, the client would like to have a stable schedule where he is living at the same place consistently and is either going to school all week or doing online learning all week. Thinking about the concept of making choices even further, I realized this fifth grader is right. When I decided to give my time doing an activity, I am choosing to not do other activities.
In a way, this is freeing but also frustrating at the same time. With more time, all the possible choices could possibly be made. However, since we live in reality, a choice has to be made to prioritize what is most important.
The fifth grader did not want to choose between staying at his mom’s or with his dad’s. Ideally in his world, he wanted them still together. Reality is different and this is a choice he does not want. He said how toward the end of a week when he stays with one of his parents, he wishes he could stay at just one house instead of going between the two. I wanted to say to him that as he gets older, he will have more choices. Being 11 years old, 10 more years is a lifetime.
What are some hard choices you have had to make? On the other end of the spectrum, what are some easier, no-brainier choices?
If you are looking for a therapist near you and a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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