Gaslighting. With everyone practicing “social distancing” and being quarantined I am thinking the people you are sharing your house has seemed more exhausting and frustrating. A term I have been learning about lately called “Gaslighting.” The term gaslighting has been around for a while but not until recently has it been categorized as a form of psychological manipulation that the other person could very well not realize they are doing. Gaslighting basically says “you are not feeling that way” and even “your feelings do not matter.” Not only is that hurtful but that is bad for the relationship if not handled correctly. What can you do to ready yourself should this happen?
The person who gaslights is often negative and short tempered. They can make subtle digs at another person putting them down in ever so subtle ways. The first thing you can do is to recognize this when it happens. Many times, the person does not realize they are doing this so they often sound offended when the topic is brought up. I am not saying to not always point this out to the other person but be mindful of how you are coming across. Another person is not going to listen to you if they feel like they are being attacked. Gaslighting.
Secondly, realize that what you are feeling is real and valid not matter how much the other person discounts it. I remember around 20 years ago when I was first thinking about pursuing counseling I spoke with a friend of mine. They said something along the lines of “counseling is for crazy people and is not helpful” when in reality counseling is quite helpful and has helped many people. The key here is to own how you are feeling and do not convince yourself that you are not sad or hurt when you really are.
My last point is to determine if you really need to have a talk with the other person and how you are going to handle the situation. This is the hardest part as you are confronting another person, but it is possible to confront someone with love. An example could go along the lines of “I want you to know that I love you and value our relationship. However, when you said ____, it really hurt.” The other person may have unintentionally said this without realizing how they came off. Hopefully, they will apologize. If they very well knew what they were saying and were trying to cause harm, know that the other person has some issues of their own to work out.
Earlier when I talked about seeking counseling 20 years ago it was because of the job I had at that time. There were two people involved that I had some animosity toward six months or so after the fact. I spoke with both of them separately. One was incredibly graceful, accepted responsibility and was truly sorry. The other had the opposite reaction. I had done my part and I had to accept that.
I hope and pray this Coronavirus stops spreading as soon as possible. Even though it may have been challenging being around other people all of the time, realize they have feelings to. Give grace where you can and speak up for yourself when necessary.
If you are looking for a therapist near you and a Google search is a great way of finding one. I happen to be a therapist in Charlotte, NC but am licensed to counsel anyone in the state of North Carolina. In Google, try looking for “psychotherapist,” “find therapist,” “therapy near me,” or even “counseling charlotte, nc.” If you feel like you have hit a wall you are not able to get past, call me at (704) 458-6298 or email me at jeffhelms@clearerthoughtspllc.com.
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